Project 51%
What and why do I want to express myself with images?
I'm an open book but hard to read. I often don't understand it myself either. I just need to sort out my stuff.
Over the past two years I have been out on the streets almost every day and now I wonder what exactly it is that I want to capture.
I'm getting to that point that I know too well. Always do a little more than half and then walk away gain. Always that feeling of 'been there, done that'. Delete. Every time and with everything. But not this time.
I can't quit, it's just too deeply ingrained, I can literally feel the need to do something with it. I just need to understand what I feel and how I can expose this. Only then I might find some direction and peace.
So ... I'm starting this visual blog to find direction. Just writing some notes and adding matching images.
Although at this stage it's for myself, mainly for self help meditation. I'm happy to share it so it exists.
Note 1 - Why the streets?
For me the streets are a dangerous, fearful and chaotic place. I don't like confrontations. I don't like people, animals or whatever in general.
I'm even afraid to photograph out there.
I'd rather be safe at home and not go out.
That's probably why the streets are calling me. I need to fight my demons. Maybe capturing the streets will help me find some order in my chaos.
Inside it is safe and beautiful. But isn't it much more free and real outside?
I meet myself too often when I'm alone
The need to go outside
Note 2 - Inner Circle
At home I have created my own safe bunker. There is no need to go outside.
The inner circle is the most important thing in my life. I've got your back. I'm here. I'm watching.
Safe inside so I can see all of you
Outside is all good, as long as it's a defined area that I can control
Still afraid of the dark
Where can I be safe? As grown up I'm still afraid of the dark. The only way to deal with it, is to get lost in it.
Note 3 - What am I interested in?
Inner circle ... and besides that I'm very interested in little to nothing. And always busy doing things close to unimportant. So in general I really don't care about anything or anyone. But somehow I still have the need to be seen too.
Because I'm hardly interested in anything, I don't know if it will lead to anything or nothing.
Note 4 - Stop it
I am neurotic and suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. I can handle it well, but it also slows me down. I want to be able to let it go, but I can't. It feels like you are doing things with the brake half pressed. It slows me down, I hesitate so I don't succeed.
I want to be able to go outside the lines, but that's too confusing
Note 5 - What do I need
I need urban life in order to live, to feel, to function. Although I'm feeling lost in the city. Nothing worse than that awful silence. Especially in non-urban environments. Nature. There is no way to hide from yourself.